Cerpen Sarkasme Satir Kecelakaan Beruntun

CFD trading offers a sensible method to manage your hard earned money. This benefits you in leveraging your bets and with them within your fullest potential. A relatively small market movement can produce major changes with your portfolio. But usually there are some things you‘ll want to understand so as in order to manage your account correctly. Minimum Deposit : Money lying within the account doesn‘t bear interest. The simplest way to use you money during this case is to stay as less money with your CFD trading account as you can. The very best way usually is to move funds electronically When you‘re trading within your account. This manner you will get the very best of both worlds, the interest from the checking account along with the leverage from CFDs. To do that, you should have a CFD account provider that permits zero balance inside the account. Understand Withdrawal Procedures : Similarly capital gains should be moved towards the account where they bear interest. Please ensure that there aren‘t any charges for creating withdrawals as you‘ll lose valuable interest if you‘re stuck using the money with your CFD account. Understand Your Risk Appetite : CFD accounts are highly leveraged and therefore provide facilities based on the customers risk appetite. There‘s a feature which provides guaranteed execution from the order at the marketplace price which were entered straight into the computer. This service is with a premium because it risked your downside. However there‘s a standard service where transaction costs are much lower. It‘s inside an investor's best interest to comprehend these options and also to pick what he / she wants. Many investors have lost lots of hard-earned money towards the simple ignorance of those facilities. Understand the Bid Offer spread : CFD trading is really a type of derivatives contract. Such trading generally happens from the market and requires the investor to part having a bid-offer spread. Alternatively some big market makers permit the customers to position their order at the marketplace price with no spread. This causes it to be identical to trading upon the exchange albeit having a leverage. Features : A lot of these trading platforms allow advanced features for research, which Isn‘t open to the retail buyer. The buyer can understand the liquidity on each side of the positioning prior to making a little. This is usually a very good indicator from the loss valueable that could happen just in case of a fast sale. The higher the liquidity, the lower the risk. Security : Although it isn‘t advisable to keep your funds inside the trading account, though it‘s nonetheless safe. Most of those accounts are held in possession of the trust, which makes sure the money is safe and provides risk mitigating mechanisms equivalent to, otherwise better than the marketplace itself. CFD trading benefits you leverage your positions at rock-bottom transaction costs. The well-known investor Warren Buffet is likewise famous for their apprehension of transaction costs. CFDs help solve a little bit of the matter, by lowering them otherwise eliminating them completely. CFD Trading is a different way of trading that offers investors a good deal of leverage and flexibility. It provides you a chance to make huge profits a lot sooner. Dealing in CFD is taken into account safer than normal share dealing because it provides you the liberty to position your trades anytime and close your position when you would like. Even after such a lot of flexibility and leverage, the majority of folks see it too risky to put money into CFDs. CFDs are a good source in order to make quick money by putting extremely less efforts. Still, most novice players suffer from losses when trading in CFDs because of the insufficient proper knowledge and patience. Even the knowledgeable players sometimes bear huge losses as they simply fail to create a right decision. This really is where CFD trading strategy comes into play. In an effort to maximize your profits and minimize your losses, you desire to make effective strategies. Here are a few points that ought to be kept on your mind while dealing in CFDs : Lack of information and proper understanding is that the biggest obstacle. Investors got to attain a good knowledge of the topic before actually jumping in it. The marketplace is extremely volatile ; and also to succeed, it requires thorough basic understanding of the topic along with current market trends. It‘s recommended to take a position a small amount if you‘re a beginner. Before investing an enormous sum, you ought to convey more practical knowledge. Tracking your performance and profit-loss ratio from time for them to time is a great idea. It benefits you know if you are able to invest an enormous amount or otherwise. Along with it, it benefits you analyze your trading style, mindset, and capcapacity to take risk. Understand the tricks from the trade and research the marketplace thoroughly to play till long. Pairs trading is said to become a tried and trusted approach to CFD trading because it involves low risk and high-probability gains. You are able to sell the older stock and purchase a brand new one for future, simultaneously. This provides you an opportunity to adjust your risk. It‘s far better to trade more that certain financial instrument. Different financial instruments assist you adjust your risk of meeting losses. Deal in CFDs only if you re able to spend a good deal of time as these are generally not ideal for buy and forget situations. You need to deal in them everyday. Keep an eye upon the current market trends. It isn‘t advisable to purchase a financial instrument at sky-high prices. It might result into huge losses when market crashes down. if you are a risk-averter, you are able to choose CFD day trading to guard yourself from overnight risk of stocks. Making decisions could be very critical at each stage. Do not make hasty decisions because it may land you inside a bigger trouble. You‘ll lose all of your money. Think, research, and analyze, after which have a move. Buying and selling CFD could seem very simple and straightforward. It‘s recommended to not jump in it immediately. Review your finances and analyze if you can bear the loss in case you face any. As said earlier, one needs to attain a strong basic knowledge of the topic and become very cautious simultaneously.


Cerpen Humor Sarkasme SatirKecelakaan Beruntun – Ini kisah humor satir sarkasme tentang pahit getirnya kehidupan. Menceritakan tentang tindakan tolol yang harus dibayar mahal dengan kehancuran. Dimana realita tak pernah jadi pembelajaran agar jadi lebih baik, malah melakukan tindakan konyol. Sengaja melanggar hukum sebab akibat. Ibarat sudah tahu bahwa bermain api itu bisa terbakar, tapi tetap dilakukan juga. Gambarannya seperti cerita lucu konyol namun menyedihkan seseorang yang mengalami kecelakaan tragis beruntun di suatu hari yang naas berikut ini.

   Adalah Mat Somplak, seorang lelaki miskin yang sok gaya. Dandanannya selalu perlente ala eksekutif muda meskipun pengangguran. Hasil kerja istrinya dipakai buat foya-foya. Dengan dalih ingin menjajaki bisnis ini itu, Mat Somplak berhasil memoroti sang istri. Uang tersebut sama sekali tidak dipakai untuk modal usaha. Melainkan buat “biaya kenakalan” di diskotik, karaoke, panti pijat plus dan tempat maksiat lainnya.
   Mat Somplak itu tipe pria pecundang yang tak tahu diuntung. Meski sudah punya istri cantik dan mapan, tetap saja tebar pesona di mana-mana. Dengan trik modus (modal dusta) ala Don Juan, dia memperdayai banyak wanita. Bukan hanya cewek lajang, wanita bersuamipun diembat juga.
   Salah satun korban rayuan gombalnya adalah seorang gadis ingusan, sebut saja namanya Mawar. Ganis alay nan centil dengan akun fb cewekimoetingindicinta itu rela menyerahkan jiwa raga pada Mat Somplak hanya karena menghindari status jomblo. Hasilnya? Kecelakaan hingga positif hamil tiga bulan!

   Kecelakaan pertama bagi Mat Somplak terjadi pada pukul 19.30 WIB

   Saat itu Mawar meminta pertanggungjawaban atas janin dalam kandungannya pada Mat Somplak. Tapi seperti kebanyakan penjahat kelamin, boro boro mau menikahi, Mat Somplak justru tak mengakui bahwa itu adalah sahamnya. “Bisa aja itu hasil kerja bakti orang lain,” begitu alasan Mat Somplak.
   Mawar marah. Hati nuraninya menjerit. Kehormatannya sebagai wanita bagai terbenam lumpur paling nista. Dalam rasa kalut, geram dan putus asa, dia mendorong tubuh Mat Somplak hingga tersungkur di jalan. Pada saat bersamaan, sebuah becak melindas tangannya. Untung hanya becak, sehingga tangan Mat Somplak tak sampai patah, hanya keseleo. Tapi itu cukup membuatnya meringis kesakitan.
   “Itu balasan atas tangan yang suka gerayangan tapi tak mau bertanggung jawab!” teriak Mawar diantara uraian air mata. Mengurungkan niat orang di sekitar yang semula berniat menolong Mat Solar, berganti dengan pandangan mencemooh. Celutukan pedas dan ejekan dari kerumunan orangpun harus diterima Mat Solar dengan muka merah padam.
   “Dasar laki-laki hidung belang!”
   “Penjahat kelamin!”
   “Buaya buntung!”
   “Sunat lagi aja tuh burung kalau tak mau tanggung jawab!”
   Mat Solar lari tunggang langgang sambil menutup telinga. Tak tahan dengan caci maki orang di jalan. Sakit di tangannya sudah tak dihiraukan. Sebelum diarak bugil oleh orang sekampung, lebih baik kabur sejauh-jauhnya. Begitu pikir Mat Somplak.

   Kecelakaan kedua terjadi pukul 20:30

   Saat itu Mat Somplak sampai di depan rumah dengan napas hampir putus setelah lari sejauh 2 km. Saat membuka pintu, tiba-tiba sebuah cobek batu mendarat mulus di jidatnya. Mat Somplak meraung kesakitan. Jidatnya berdarah. Kepalanya terasa berputar diantara bintang. Pandangannya agak kabur, menatap sang istri yang berdiri di depannya sambil berkacak pinggang.
   “Kenapa kau lakukan ini padaku, sayang?” tanya Mat Somplak sambil bersandar di pintu. Tangan kirinya penuh darah memegangi kening. Sedang tangan kanannya lunglai tak berdaya setelah terlindas roda becak.
   “Tutup mulut berbisamu itu!” sentak sang istri tanpa belas kasihan. “Harusnya aku yang tanya, kenapa kau lakukan ini padaku? Tiap hari aku kerja keras banting tulang untuk dirimu. Tapi apa balasannya? Kau khianati aku. Kau selingkuhi aku. Kurang apa aku coba?”
   “A... apa maksudmu? Aku... aku sama sekali tak mengerti...” Mat Somplak masih berlagak pilon. Biasa, mana ada maling yang ngakuin perbuatannya begitu saja?
   “Jangan kura-kura di tiang bendera deh...” sang istri melotot. Napasnya memburu menahan marah. “Barusan ada perempuan bernama Mawar yang nelpon aku. Ayo, berani bilang kau tak mengenalnya... Aku hantam kepalamu pakai kulkas!”
   Wajah Mat Somplak pucat pasi. Bukan saja karena sudah tak bisa mengelak lagi. Dia juga takut kepalanya benar-benar dilempar kulkas. “Sabar sayang... Aku bisa jelasin semuanya...” katanya melas.
   “Sudah, tak ada yang perlu dijelasin lagi. Angkat kaki dari rumah ini sekarang juga!” teriak si istri sambil mendorong tubuh Mat Somplak keluar rumah.
   “Mohon maafin aku, sayang... Tolong kasih aku kesempatan sekali saja. Aku janji tak akan selingkuh lagu. Demi Tuhan aku bersumpah...” Mat Somplak merengek, memohon bagai anak kecil yang tak berdaya. Tapi istrinya seolah tak mendengar dan membanting pintu dengan keras. Brak!!
   Sungguh menyedihkan. Mat Somplak menangis. Duduk bersimpuh sambil mengetuk ketuk daun pintu. “Tolong bukain pintu sayang... Kalau kau mengusirku, aku tinggal dimana?” ratapnya pilu.
   “Bodo amat!” teriak sang istri dari dalam. Suaranya jelas diantara isak tangis kepedihan. “Cepat pergi atau aku panggil polisi!!”
   Mendengar keributan, para tetangga keluar rumah dan bergerombol di luar pagar sambil bisik bisik. Tapi mereka tak berani untuk mendekat. Hanya memandang dengan senyum sinis. Mereka sudah menduga apa yang terjadi. Bukan tanpa alasan. Di kompleks ini, Mat Somplat dikenal suka tebar pesona dan menggoda anak gadis atau para istri. Bahkan, pembantu rumah tanggapun tak luput dari rayuan gombalnya.
   Mat Somplak melangkah lunglai meninggalkan rumah. Diiringi pandangan mengejek tetangga, lalaki pecundang ini berjalan gontai menyusuri temaramnya jalan kompleks perumahan. Tanpa arah tujuan. Tanpa harapan.

   Kecelakaan ketiga terjadi pukul 23.30 WIB

   Hampir tiga jam Mat Somplak berjalan gontai. Pikirannya berkecamuk diantara beribu penyesalan. Bukan menyesal akan dosa masa lalu. Tapi Menyesal karena tak cukup pandai menyimpan bangkai. Menyesali nasib yang kini kembali jadi gelandangan. Meninggalkan segala fasilitas yang diberikan istrinya tanpa harus keluar keringat.
   Tapi apa hendak dikata. Nasi sudah menjadi bubur. Harapannya tinggal satu. Kembali mencari korban wanita kaya yang bisa memberikan segala kemewahan. Tapi di tengah malam seperti ini, dimana dapat menemukan wanita seperti itu? Sedang HP dan dompetnya sudah tak ada di kantong. Entah jatuh atau dicopet orang waktu kecelakaan yang pertama tadi.
   Mat Somplak terus berjalan. Dia tak sadar tengah melewati perlintasan kereta api. Dia juga tak sadar, sebuah kereta api ekspress tengah melaju kencang. Teriakan penjual rokok yang memperingatkannya, sama sekali tak terdengar. Dan yang akan terjadi, maka terjadilah. Tubuh Mat Somplak tersambar kereta api.

   Kecelakaan keempat terjadi pukul 03.00 dini hari

   Hidup mati manusia ada di tangan Tuhan. Tertulis dalam takdir tiap individu tanpa dapat ditolak. Demikian yang terjadi pada Mat Somplak. Dua jam lamanya, tubuh lelaki itu terbujur kaku bersimbah darah di tepi rel kereta api. Jadi tontonan orang sebelum petugas kepolisian datang mengevakuasi jasadnya dalam kantong mayat.
   Semua orang menyangka ia telah tewas. Bahkan, sesampainya di rumah sakit, dokter langsung memerintahkan petugas medis untuk membawanya ke kamar jenazah. Tapi kehendak Tuhan berkata lain. Saat dua petugas rumah sakit mendorong “mayat”nya memasuki kamar mayat, tiba-tiba Mat Somplak hidup kembali!
   “Hantu....!!” petugas yang mendorong kereta berteriak ketakutan melihat tubuh Mat Somplak tiba-tiba bergerak. Keduanya langsung ambil langkah seribu, lari tunggang langgang. Mereka tak peduli, pada nasib Mat Somplak yang meronta-ronta berusaha keluar dari dalam kantong mayat.
   Karena posisi lantai menurun, kereta mayat itupun meluncur turun. Orang-orang yang melihat bukannya menolong, malah ikut lari ketakutan. Tanpa ampun, tubuh Mat Somplak yang masih terjebak dalam kantong mayat itupun terpental ke lantai saat keretanya menabrak tiang koridor rumah sakit. Naas, posisi jatuhnya Mat Somplak sangat fatal. Bagian kepalanya  tepat membentur lantai.
   Mat Somplakpun akhirnya tewas dalam drama kecelakaan beruntun paling konyol sedunia.

TAMAT

Cerpen sarkasme dan satire tentang nasib tragis Mat Somplak di atas bukanlah kisah nyata. Hanya karangan sendiri untuk mengingatkan pembaca bahwa azab Tuhan akan datang pada orang berhati jahat seperti Mat Somplak. Maaf, kali ini sajian kami agak beda. Cerita black humor versi Republik Gondes macam ini emang tak nyaman buat ketawa. Sekedar selingan buat nambah wawasan tentang ilmu perhumoran. Semoga kisah di atas bisa diambil hikmahnya. Wassalam...  
   
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